Well it's the weekend again, so it means I should throw some words on virtual
paper. Get the brainmeats out of the way quick, being back on seroquel
means I'm sleeping more/better, but my anxiety is still way out there.
(not expecting immediate fix, I know better). Depression lurks in a ninja
kind of way, I see good things, I feel good things, but it leaps out every
now and again in a nihilistic kind of way that reminds me that I'm still rather
broken. But I've been broken before, and I've put myself together,
repeatedly. I am a New Yorker after all, we're survivors.
So enough strum und drang. What is best in life Vulpine? Well, I'm not
Conan, so lets start with books. Been reading a bunch of old school Mythos
still. Got a pile of other stuff to read, but other than a little history
it's all tentaclular horrors. Listened/ing to a few books by Charlie
Stross to get in the mood for his latest Laundry File book next month.
Not the whole series, just enough to get back in the series. So many books,
so little time.
Went to see 'The Mummy' today. A solid bit of cheese, with a side of ham
from Russell Crowe. Yes it could have been much better, but it still was
fun and Sofia Boutella was a nice mix of creepy, evil, and lovely. Plus,
she was literally covered in hieratic script, so a walking book. Sign me
up for the cult please. *grin* Also, for any Lovecraftians who've seen it, did anyone look at the red jewel McGuffin and think 'Shining Trapezohedron' ? Or was that just me trying to make everything into a Mythos reference
What will I do tomorrow? Probably just chores and stuff. Been meaning to
clean up the bedroom for months now, may just pop an audiobook or podcast
in and spend a while in there trying to get things organized. This is
alongside a store run, laundry and similar stuff, so I may set reasonable
goals instead. Assuming I don't just hide in bed with a book, or within
a movie marathon of cheese and gore. We'll see. For now though, going to
call this a post before it's technically Sunday. Laters cultists.
If you follow me on Facebook, you've already seen most of this.
It's not been a good week. I had a near breakdown this week. I think I've
tapered off my old med too fast, and between stress from helping a friend,
bad sleep, fretting over the bill from my dental emergency and work, and the combination became a 'perfect storm' and
well, I went pretty far down. I'm better now, functioning if not great.
Little better each day, but still I have to fight the depression at least
once or twice a day. It was bad enough I found reading to be tedious,
and that's one of those great signs that something is wrong.
But, on the plus side, I managed to not call in with ennui once this
week. I've gotten stuff done, if not as much as I'd (or my work) would
like. I've also found reading to be easier and more entertaining, reading
classics like Lovecraft and Brian Lumley (the first modern day mythos
writer I ever read). I'm sleeping better, not great but better. The plan
is to try tapering off again when I'm under less stress. When that will
be? I dunno. One tentacle at a time and all that.
So, it's the weekend. And payday. Weekend plans are more friend helping,
but nothing crazy like last weekend. Also, I'm probably going to go see
'Wonder Woman' because, it looks like a whole lot of fun. Tonight is
watching 'Life' again, it's currently on and it's a lot of fun (for values
of pentapods destroying humanity). Will probably stay up kind of late and
try to regenerate tentacles with movies and geeking, then probably more
Lumley or similar reading, and sleeping in if I can. Wish me luck, both
with sleep and with getting better.
Well, it's been a week. Not a great week. Last weekend I felt lousy,
had to miss visiting with a friend in from the Bay Area who I haven't seen
in years. *sad fox* Was out sick Monday, everything felt wrong, so I
mostly just napped. Work was work, patching before a release on Tuesday, aka
how fast can we do this? Pretty darn fast actually. Last night we had
emergency patching for Windows servers due to the latest ransomware BS.
I hate windows. Slept for crap again last night, and I'm feeling pretty
foul today. Stomach is unhappy, lungs are crunchy, and I'm off most of
my allergy meds for the testing next week.
I'm a mess. Also, my insurance denied my first request
for the new depression treatment. Now my doc and my rep are appealing it, and
I know for any expensive treatments insurance will push back hard, but
emotionally this is a hit. We'll see what happens next week.
So yeah, I'm not doing hot. Mentally/emotionally I'm all over the place.
Physically I covered already. At least I have Cthulhu covering the spiritual
side of things *wink* Mother's Day is tomorrow, my plan to send out a bunch
of mother's day cards to people has been delayed, I just really haven't had
the spoons to write cards. Maybe later today/tomorrow. Not thinking too
much otherwise about tomorrow...hoping there isn't a ton of emotional
foo, I really don't have it in me to cope. So here's to not needing a ton
of cope.
Not much else going on. Slowly upgrading my VM horde, at least the Ubuntu
ones to 17.04. I need to look at what version of Fedora is default now,
I haven't checked in a while. And there's the obvious windows updates.
Plus movies, probably going to stick with favorites vs trying to find
something new. Can't wait for next weekend and the new 'Alien' movie.
I enjoyed 'Prometheus' and 'Alien vs Predator', so I'm pretty sure I'll
be a fan.
So, I'll call this a post. Hopefully next week won't be as ick as this
last one was, and maybe I'll even make some process into feeling human
again. Laters gators.
Note: this doesn't cover my allergist visit, that's going to be it's own post at some point when I process that...oy.
So I've been kind of vaguebooking about what's going on with my brainmeats,
at least to most of the public at large. So here's the skinny. My pshrink
thinks I'm a good candidate for a 'new' treatment, Transcranial Magnet
Stimulation or TMS. Basically, they've found some people with depression
had neurons that don't work as they're supposed to, but with stimulation
from a magnetic field, they can get them to fire normally, correcting the
depression issue. I've been reading on the science, and it seems
plausible. Basically, if I qualify (both under insurance and after an
EEG), I'd go for daily magnetic whackings for a period of about 6 weeks.
The downside is it's crazy expensive, as in if my insurance doesn't cover
it, there's no way I can afford it. But, if it's covered by insurance,
and it does what it says it does, I may have my depression and anxiety in
remission. Note, I didn't say cured. They don't say cured. I could need
follow ups, and it's not a magic pill. But it gives enough hope that I'm
willing to try.
Friday AM I go in for my brain scan, if I get pictures of said brain I'll
post them. From there, it depends on if I fit the pattern needed, and
if insurance covers it, then it's a lot of magnetic waves into my brain.
(insert joke about uncovering dormant mental powers) Then...we hope.
I know exactly one person who's had this treatment, who said it worked until
his insurance screwed him royally. I'm hoping for no insurance screwage.
I'm also hoping that this might just be the light at the end of a very long
tunnel. I'm tired, I'm tired of all the meds, I'm tired of the side
effects, I'm tired of finding myself idly contemplating my own mortality.
(No, not suicidal, don't worry, just tired). So tomorrow is a first step.
Wish me luck, prayers, crossed anythings, whatever.
Was a weird week. Spent all of my 3 day weekend home recovering. I
cheerfully could have called in Tuesday or Wednesday as well, but I put
on my big cultist robes and went to work. Was kind of glad to see people
actually. I'm still not 100%, but I'm close (minus the perpetual allergy
argument). Mood was pretty lousy though this week. Between being sick,
a whole lot of negative memories rising to the surface, and reality being
pretty depressing. At least my subconscious eased up on me while I was
asleep, with a lack of anxiety dreams. I kind of snapped out of it
this morning, as Fridays often fix the ills in my head.
As I said last post, I'll be back to patching on Sunday evening. Approx 30
servers this go-round, but I'll have at least one other admin patching, and
other bodies to do support tests and verify applications. So it should be
fairly smooth. Week will be a tad short, but that's ok. I still have social
plans for tomorrow and for Sunday prior to patching.
So what's up in the land of Vulpine besides work and illness? Lots of books,
lots of reading. For some odd reason most of what I've read has been set in
London, England between 1890-1920. Originally there was no plan, but between
a couple of Mythos tales, and pastiches of Sherlock Holmes and Carnacki the
Ghost Finder, and another period fantasy bit I've spent a lot of mental shoe
leather wandering around London. Currently reading 'Dust and Shadow' which
pits Sherlock against Jack the Ripper. I'm also hoping to have a spare
weekend day in the next few weeks where I feel up to finishing up on the
rearranging of the Starry Wisdom Library and building of at least one new
bookcase. Hopefully I'll be sans plague in time to do this before summer
hits. Bedroom also needs work, but that's less pressing. Less books in
there. And more work.
Ok, that's about all I have for right now. I have tons of bright ideas for
posts, but usually they get detailed just as I'm getting ready for bed.
I'm starting to think I need a voice recorder to ramble into so I remember
these quirky ideas. For now though, I'm going to enjoy my Friday night
hermit. Catch you all later.
Not doing so good today. Last night was a series of classic vulpine
anxiety dreams. One involved a cat dying, not any cat I know, but still,
sad about kitty. Woke up from that bit of sad, decided to take my anxiety
med and try to go back to sleep. Which I did, and had an even worse
nightmare about celebrating a friend being in a big budget X-Men movie,
which was great and glorious, but all my friends at the party (save the movie
star), treated me as a leper. I woke up crying, and I felt like I'd been
run over by a train. Great way to start a Saturday.
So I'm wide awake at 7:30am, depressed as hell, scared as fuck of going back
to sleep. So I got up, checked the mail, and went to the store. Adulting,
even when I had 0 desire to adult. Groceries gotten, some general chores
done, been watching the first two 'Species' movies. Trying not to think
much, as I'd like my brain to leave me alone.
Between the dreams, and the perpetual allergy war, and the world diving into
an unhappy kind of insanity, lets just say I'm kind of hoping the comet that's nnearby takes a left turn and smacks into the planet. At least there are
always books. They give so much, they ask so little.
I'll be ok, these things pass, sooner or later. Later today I'm going to
see 'John Wick 2' with some friends, which I hope helps. Catch you all
later.
Well last night's sleep was kind of demented. Stayed up reading a
quasi-random book pickup that's turned into an epic Lovecraftian conspiracy
novel. Decided to pause at about 2/3rd of the through, since I was
pooped, and I wanted to savor the last reveals. Went to sleep, and had some
bizarro dreams. I mentioned one on Facebook, where either Daniel Harms
referred to me as a 'poor man's Kenneth Hite' or Kenneth Hite referred to me
as a 'poor man's Daniel Harms;. Either way, I'll take the compliment.
Other dreams in the series was going to the ur-Bookstore. That's what
I call a recurring bookstore in my dreams. It's huge, more like a book
mall, laid out in a labyrinth of rooms, halls and displays. I'm never
looking for anything in particular, I'm just wandering looking at stuff.
And I found a new, basement section of historical docs and manuscripts and
other oddball stuff. But I had to go outside to get to the basement
entrance, and suddenly it was Arctic winter and I was dressed for Texas.
Brrr. Then the entrance was locked and I was getting colder and colder.
Then I realized I was dreaming, but my brain said 'so what' and I was stuck
trying to find a way out of the cold, or to wake up. Lucid Dreaming roll,
00. I was boned. Woke up eventually, and decided I didn't want to give
my subconscious any more run time.
Got up, got moving. I've spilled my pills twice today, I got the bathroom
floor mopped, but my sinuses are now unthrilled. I was going to do a store
run, but I really rather just avoid humanity for the moment. Watching a
weird 70's martial arts assassin flick, with really cheesy fight scenes.
Once that's done, I'll probably work on general cleaning. Not putting the
bookshelf together, my electric screwdriver/drill is dead, I've found that
manually screwing around = crappy bookshelves. So I'll either have to borrow
one from a friend, or go get another one.
Ok, just went and picked some stuff in the bedroom, and I'm going to flop
some more. Don't think I'm leaving the house. I can always order a pizza...
in fact I may do that very soon. Take care everyone. *sniffle*
Going to be a weird week for me. Most of the weekend was spent in some
degree of sinus pain/pressure. Worked last night on some Carcosa Corp stuff,
which wasn't bad, just took a while. Today came into work a tad late,
but no random stuff being broke due to last night's work. I have bad luck
with making late night changes that look fine, but in the cold light of
day (and customer activity) you find the errors and mis-estimates. Not
today, other than adjusting firewall rules to take the additional databases
into account.
The weird starts with DR testing at work this week. I'm the guinea pig,
as the new guy, I've been kind of deliberately kept in the dark, so when
they hand me the documentation, we can see if there are flaws in it, that
someone who's familiar with the process would just be able to fill in.
We'll see how well this works. I'm kind of anxious because, hey, new
situation. But it should be ok, or at least be educational.
I also have a friend going in for a what's supposed to be a minor surgical
procedure. All should be ok, and it should be a day procedure. But of
course, I'm twitchy. Don't like my friends in hospitals. *sigh*
Add in Friday's expected political insanity, I expect the internets to be
utterly awash in hatred and anger. So I'll probably avoid much discussion,
set filters to maximum, and maybe spend the weekend trying to translate
the Voynich Manuscript. Or go to art museums and bookstores. Or binge
on cheesy 80s horror movies. Or get on social media, and find 2000 more
groups from all over the spectrum to block...
So this week will be a tad challenging. But there are perks. And books,
and people who care. Oh yeah, and Cthulhu. Always good to have an eldritch
monstrocity that drives you insane in your corner. So on that tentacled note,
I'll ramble more later. I'm going to try to post more here, get back in
my blogging habit, vs miniposts on Facebook.
Well, it's 2017. New year started, old year in the rearview mirror. The
old year wasn't that horrid for me, minus the holiday near meltdown.
Job has been good, and good for my coping skills. I wasn't nearly as
social as usual this last year, nor have I done as much computer geekery
as I used to. Still keeping up with the books and bad movies though.
As is traditional for New Years Day, I've spent today doing the things I
want to have happen more of in the new year. So bad movies, buying books,
petting cats (doing critter care for some friends that are out of town),
sleeping in, and computer geeking. Hoping it leads to good and nifty things.
Last night I went to a comic/geek convention, didn't do much besides some
shopping, hanging out with friends, and attempting to go to the 'parties'
in the evening. Figured out that I've gotten old. At one I wanted to
yell 'Turn that crap down', and at the VIP party I listened to a decent
cover band get mangled by lousy sound engineering. I cut out around 11,
to avoid the drunks in Dallas, but they were already out in force. Came
home, watched the year roll over. I did manage to find the only Cthulhu
stuff in the 'con. (A new dice game, that had cool tshirts, and a tshirt
vendor who had a HPL shirt that I didn't own), and a movie producer who
aims to recreate 50's B movies. So I had to get two. Was fun, but not
really my kind of 'con. Nothing on the tracks caught my attention, and
most everything was comics or Harry Potter. Oh well, not every convention
can be the HPLFF.
Really no plans for tonight, besides continuing with my superstition. I'm
off work tomorrow, and I'll spend most of it doing the chores I'm not doing
today (laundry, cleaning, store run) Then it's back to work. I don't have
any New Years resolutions, I'm weird and do resolutions around my Spawning
Day.
So that's about it. I may do a review of 2016, or I may not. All depends
on what I get done tomorrow, and how many tentacles I'm left with, along
with how much I want to dive into the last year. Might be better to just
aim forward. But on that note, hope it's a good year to everyone. Talk to
you later.
Today is the one year anniversary of my first day of freedom from The
Shoggoth Pit. (my last day was Sept 11th...but I didn't want to write
this yesterday). A lot of things have changed in a year. I found an
old offline journal entry with my wishes for my post pit life. A job
where I'd have bosses who didn't try to stress me out for yucks and giggles,
where work had challenges, but I also had support in meeting said challenges.
And I got that here at Carcosa Corp, in spades. I also got a much nicer
paycheck, and I have coworkers who I can count on to be professional, and
at the same time, can be silly with. The only negative is that it is
contract, so I cannot say that a year from now I'll still be in the same
boat. But it's given me hope that yes, I deserve a job where credit is
given, and I'm worth what I'm paid.
Outside of the work stuff, the last year I've done other stuff. I've finally
made it outside of Texas, and made it back home to NYC for a fun week. I'm
going to Portland in a little under a month for my first Lovecraft festival.
I'm sleeping better, though I am having more anxiety dreams about parents
than I was. I'm social, and my friends are much less worried about me
(sorry gang). I did up my meds this year for depression, but that I felt
like I could try to do something to help sounds like positive stuff to me.
I've also quit caffeine, and cut way down on sugar, and have started to lose
weight. Eating a little healthier. Reading more, generally most everything
is swinging up at least a little.
Still have anxiety and depression issues. I'm still reacting to things
like I'm back at the Shoggoth Pit, meetings make me anxious, new projects
cause worries, etc. But I'm catching myself when I start that, and it's
lessening. Day by day, bit by bit, I'm getting better.
So that's the state of the Vulpine, anniversary edition. Hopefully things
keep swinging up through the next year, and that this time in 2017 I'm no
longer thinking about the past or being bothered by it.
