Not sure how long it's been since I did one of these. Probably not long,
but here it is. At the beginning of the month I posted about going to
the pshrink to up my meds. I go back next week, and I'm going to say
that while it's helped, it's not helped as much as I'd want. Maybe another
dose up, as I am doing better. Or maybe a different med will be the
answer. I don't know, but I'm willing to try. And that's a big change
from last year, hell, from a couple of months ago.
Work is good. Figured out why I was anxious at the job, even though I'm
working with some very cool people, and nothing has felt like the stressors
of the Shoggoth Pit. But I still find meetings and dealing with the boss
as a cause of anxiety, because for years I'm used to having bosses who
yelled, who enjoyed winding me up, who had no clue how to handle people.
I now have a boss who's helpful, and can say 'you did this incorrectly,
here's what you should have done' without making it a chances to yank my
chain. I just need to get used to it, and it's probably going to take
a while longer. But I see that I can, and why I feel the way I do, and
with that, I can change things.
Personal life is good. Been spending a lot of time buried in books.
Friends are good, friends are great. Even if I haven't been quite the
social butterfly. Château Innsmouth is as it usually is. Most everything
is pretty ok. Well it's overly warm, and my internet has issues, but
nothing I can't handle.
That's pretty much Vulpine's life here at Château Innsmouth. Hoping it
stays that way. Catch you all later, hopefully with a stable internet
connection. Ciao.
I was feeling quite blue today, no real big reason, just feeling a little
useless, and out of sorts. Then I was reminded that I work in a (fun kind of)
looney bin. One of the developers decided on a whim to dye his goatee blue.
And on our internal chat channel, me and another developer shared a brain
and both commented about using the blood of smurfs to dye it with.
It's nice to work with people who are as nuts as me. Also, boss is in
town, and took us out for tacos. Yay free lunch.
The other big mood reset was I went back and read my offline journal for
last year, for the 3 months around when I quit the Shoggoth Pit. July
through September. And it sunk in how utterly miserable I was there,
the stress, the ex-boss from hell, along with trying to rebuild my life
after Mom's passing. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't end up in a
psych ward by late August. There was a lot of ick in those entries.
But I do remember one thing, towards the end, when I'd already written out
my plan to deass the job (aka Operation: Leng), I wrote something in the
vein of 'My dream is to be in a better place by next year, financially,
professionally, etc'. And here it is, 9 months later and I've got a good
job where I feel appreciated (and get paid pretty well), I don't dread
every morning, nor do I have horrible dreams every night. It's not all
rainbows and unicorns, but so what ? I'm actually comfortable enough to
say to my pshrink 'Ok, things aren't as good as they could be...what can help?'
vs my traditional 'it's working well enough, don't change'. And that means
a lot.
So yeah, I'm doing better. It's good when I can catch myself, and reset
before I spiral way down. I'm also glad I took that leap 9 months ago,
even if it scared the fhtagn out of me, and there were a bunch of times
that I thought I'd screwed up royally by leaving the 'Pit. But I didn't,
and things got better, and life got better, and huzzah for me and stuff.
The definition of best friend. When you wake up in a weird state of
anxiety, and you really do want to hang out and go see a horror movie
with said friend, but also really don't want to leave the house at the
same time. So once you get the tentacles enough to call, she understands
you're wound up, and yes...we can meet up at movie tive, while I get time
to wind down before going out. Friends get your weirdness, and work with
you on it. I'm also kind of happy that I didn't make it a binary issue,
yes go out, or no hide at home.
As said above, having a high anxiety day. Something twitched off last
night in my sleep. Which is weird, because Friday night I had dreams about
summoning demons (the classical Goetic way of doing things, not Lovecraftian
stuff) in the Amityville Horror House. Now that was amusing. Yesterday
was a good day, hung out with Amythest, watched assorted bad horror flicks,
while I reinstalled Uxía. A good geek day.
I'm calming down as I write this, yay for the magic of medication. The
post office also left my copy of 'The Mammoth Book of Cthulhu' by the
door, so that's good. Watching 'Amityville 3D', tried to watch it at
Amythest's yesterday, and her Roku locked up and rebooted, so we took
that as a sign. Assuming my anxiety levels are down to normal after
the movie, I'll make a quick trip to get meds and gas and packages, then
head down to meet up for the movie. Then it's back to work tomorrow.
So that's me on Sunday. Wish me luck on the rest of today, and for the next
week. *crosses tentacles*
I'm getting tired of dreaming. Another night of a dream hitting me right
in my anxiety. Last night was more BS about friends being their bizarro
world opposites, and something about buying a moving truck. Maybe
I was moving into the house of the occultist that I dreamed about the night
before (after my more horrible nightmares). I don't remember the last
night I didn't have an upsetting dream. *grumble*
I'm not sure what my brainmeats are trying to process. I think it's just
the time...this time last year was epic stressors. Maybe it's just
echos of that. I don't know. I just know that sleep is not my friend
right now.
Can't I just dream of a cyclopean city rising from the depths, or a serial
killer with knives for fingers, or a guy with a snake head. Or, more me,
falling behind the walls and running from zombies. (reoccuring nightmare
I had as a little kid). So much better than the current set. Oh well,
it will pass eventually. Talk to you all later.
